One year on
This has been a strange year. I don’t think I ever could have thought that so much could happen in a year, that a year could be filled with so much agony and then so much happiness. I went through a break up that took me a long time to get to grips with. In a day my future went from filled with so much promise to feeling like it was blank and empty. It was one of the scariest moments of my life.
But it came at the right time. My future wasn’t blank, I was about to start a dream course at a dream school and live in my dream part of London. And I started, and now I’m nearly finished with it, and I’ve had an amazing time. I’ve made life-long friends and learned so much, both in lectures and seminars as well as from all the incredible people I’ve met. I’ve had crazy nights, nights that never ended, fulfilled parts of myself that I had always wanted to but was too scared to try.
That’s not to say I’ve had the best time ever. My mental health has been horrendous, though I’m better now. I struggled a lot with hopelessness, self-loathing, and suicidal thoughts. Those things still stay with me, as they always have done since I was a teenager. But I am handling them now, though I wasn’t in the winter.
And I’m not over everything. I still live my life primarily in the past. I often take one step forward followed by two steps back. But it gets easier every day, even if it’s slow going. I need to go at my own pace. And one day I’ll be completely free of the shackles of grief and actually be sort of okay. I look forward to it.